Mark Melvin
(inducted 2007)

Oh great King Neptune, how I apologize for my transgressions against your sea, and beseech you to grant me entry into the most lofty of esteemed societies, the Blue Water Society. Forthwith, I present my meager accomplishments and as is customary, confess my many sins against your wet throne.

Lo, for though I am but a bit of floatsam among jetsam, and more often than not due to my awe of your seas do I drift aimlessly upon the currents you so deem to provide, I have managed to avail myself of such currents and your winds from time to time.

Yea, verily I have managed to gather eight other fools as myself, and as the humble captain of this crew put to your Atlantic sea in a vessel you know as devocean. And in the summer of the year of your soaked principality two thousand and two we didst manage to find our mist salted selves fortuitously travelling from Newport of the Island of Rhode to that small island haven you provide known as Bermuda, or the Isle of Swine. Forsooth, we did float by the taffrail log some seven hundred and twenty four nautical miles to travel what was only six hundred and forty nautical miles, and did we this travelling in a bit under ninety two hours, and thankful were we that we were granted passage of your ocean.

And soon after our arrival in the rocky haven of hogs, I didst convince one most foolish of all of my crew to put to your sea with me yet again, and the vessel devocean under duress conveyed us again, and then didst the two of us with but our two hands apiece depart the rocky paradise of pigs. In such doublehanding fashion, each of course using both hands, we sailed in the greatest haste of two people with but two hands each to your summer royal court, the boardwalk of Atlantic City.

And in just one hundred and one hours, the fool as my crew, and I as but a bigger fool, and none other aboard to suffer our insults, we arrived in Atlantic City into the marina of your other great seaweed haired servant, Donald Trump.

As well, my aqueous regent, of other lauded times as well have I put to sea in other vessels large and small. And each time you have returned me to some shore despite my offenses against your briny deep.

Yea, oh water-logged ruler, whilst I may have tried to abscond with your fair Queen Amphitrite, I meant you no transgression, as by her watery state of undress I mistook her for an aspiring inductee to the Society of de Caribbean Regatta in need of liquid refreshment, and that I did provide to her as your most humble servant.

Furthermore, my moistened monarch, while I didst once or more times pass water to your sea, I was merely returning to you the water which so rightfully is yours, and did so in my best landlubber performance of a mighty sea spout.

Et, my sodden sovereign, once did I interfere with your claiming of a fair maiden for your harem, but I thought she was falling overboard to your salty unbidden. In the future all such teetering blondes shall I nudge to your watery dais.

Ibid, oh drenched potentate, your rum have I consumed without sharing your due ration, and this be my greatest offense of them all. The rum is so tasty, and the sun is so hot, and mortals as I are so weak, that a drink of that nectar cannot be resisted. Much more rum shall I buy to refill your undersea cellar.

Anon, my soggy majesty, I have made offerings of tribute to your throne these many years. Yea, to thine mighty wet self by my own recollection I have given thee exactly the following gifts: three pairs of prescription glasses, many sunglasses of the finest designer houses, two Nokia cell phones from the kingdom of Finland, an assortment of hats of many colors, a collection of screwdrivers, wrenches, pliers, a level, a hacksaw, two orbital sanders, a drill, some leatherman tools, countless pocketknives,and other tools sufficient to maintain thine entire fleet of watery chariots, a pair of binoculars, two cameras, a maglight flashlight, a floating winch handle that didn't float, three or four boathooks, and lastly even two blackberry devices for your email, my king.

Yes, oh oozy emperor, while I be but a mere mortal who knows almost nothing of oceans, and having made my passages on your seas by only your graces to make winds blow my little boat to port, and while I marvel at the azure color of the deep Atlantic like a simpleton, I hope that you will grant your favor and induct me to your blue water society, so that I may be recognized for the small accomplishments I have made.

Sincerely Soakingly,

Scallawag Mark Melvin